Relationship Red Flags

Let me preface this post by adding a couple of disclaimers:

1. This is not an all-inclusive list, by any means
2. This list applies to BOTH platonic & romantic relationships
3. These were compiled from conversations with friends and family, which made me think to encapsulate them in one place
4. It’s definitely a “take it or leave it” post sharing lessons learned

1. 🚩 Control disguised as Love or Care: People who want to show they care about others but use it as a means of controlling the unknown and outcome are tricky to spot. They make it seem like they want to help, give advice, cook for you, pick you up, ask you where you’ve been and who you’ve been with – but on the other end of their “caring” about you, they actually want to orchestrate and manipulate the lives of others to project and deflect to distract the focus away from them. Empathy and compassion that lack self-awareness are just a sign of saviorship, not genuine care. 
2. 🚩 Passive Aggressive “Joking”: Verbal abuse and humiliation can sometimes be hidden in a “joke.” Covert abuse is not OK in any form and can be hard to spot through “humor” that takes an honest jab at someone else or jokes that hurt because someone is too emotionally immature to speak their actual thoughts about someone else. 
3. 🚩  Deflection, Projection, and Defensiveness: People who are not addressing their trauma can try to make others feel inept, inadequate, less-than, … bad through belittling… as a way of not handling their own issues. If someone doesn’t own their own opportunities to be better, take criticism well, and argue & defend every comment said to them that makes them feel some sort of way – they are not someone who can healthily handle conflict or be introspective.  If someone is always on the defensive, then it’s just about them and never about the other person and their validity. 
4. 🚩 Unaddressed trauma: All conflict responses have a root cause either from something we’ve been through, experienced as a witness, or have been hurt by. The only real way to have healthy conflict is to listen, be open to antagonistic responses, and not force opinions. We need to know someone is open to navigating that and/or already has been and it’s okay to still be a work in progress. People need to have the realization that their triggers come from somewhere and to be sure to handle unearthing those so they don’t come out at their partners.
5. 🚩 Low or no empathy: Angry responses [to someone’s sadness or crying] or shifting a scenario where one person is sad and now it’s about the other person. This translates into someone’s selfish focus on themselves, and their needs, and dismissing their partner – they have no capacity for emotional safety.
6. 🚩 Emotional Rollercoaster Rides: Going around and around until the other person is proven right is a toxic relationship behavior that wastes energy and time. The purpose of dialogue isn’t to be right, it’s to feel understood and process a situation and gain understanding with others – even if you disagree. Moral relativism itself can be dangerous – the idea that cultures and experiences shape morality &  the idea that you just are both different –  since it leads to moral paralysis and indifference. Pluralism should be an opportunity to learn and develop our moral theories rather than claiming that absolute knowledge is an illusion – gaining an understanding OF others. Making someone over-explain themselves mutates a situation from one of venting or safeness into one that’s a person’s selfish need to be right.
7. 🚩  Substance abuse / Limited to No Boundaries with Substances: Excessive drinking and alcoholism can be magnetic traits for those who have had that in their childhood. Even if someone understands that their upbringing has been warped because of substance abuse,  underlyingly they can attract others who have substance abuse issues or a lack of boundaries with their use. 
8. 🚩 Not taking care of themselves: Not cooking or taking time for someone’s health and well-being on a consistent basis can spiral out of control. Someone can then feel a deep need to lean on someone else, including a partner, to lead the charge with their care and overall health and well-being. Someone should be adult enough to take care of themselves without being told, coached, or invited to partake in their own care. Someone shouldn’t need anyone to will them to be well. It’s okay to want a partner who proactively works out and is well because they do it for the success of the relationship with two whole individuals; because it’s what helps them feel their best to BE their best without me having to be their coach and pusher. 
9. 🚩 No close friends or support circle: There’s a reason they keep people at a distance. Abusers can rely on their partners to be their “one and only” and have roles that encompass all needs of the other person if there are no other players supporting someone. Having core friends who support a partner, offering unbiased and honest input along with someone having medical, mental health, and familial support is crucial to keep someone well-rounded and also keep the pressure off of their partner to be everything and everyone for them. 
10. 🚩Not being close to family or being TOO close to family: Healthy boundaries with family show someone can make space for intentional time with their family. If someone is too close to their family, they can have a tendency to not be an “adult” if they are dependent on them for money, support, or enabling (particularly the “baby” of the family or someone who has been spoiled from a young age.)  If someone is very distant from their family, it can show a “lone wolf” scenario of a narcissist who wants no input from anyone at all.
11. 🚩 Vulnerability ninjas: People who aren’t open about their past or talking about themselves are focusing on others because they’re too afraid to look within. If it’s a trigger when bringing up questions about someone’s past, then it’s buried for a reason. People don’t want to look in the mirror to see their faults or flaws when it’s okay to have them and admit them to grow and heal. This is also why therapy or openness to it should be an acceptable prerequisite.
12. 🚩 Lack of self-awareness: Most people don’t even take a breath and do this introspection to understand their feelings much less honor someone else’s feelings [and instead debate and defend themselves more]. Responses deriving from triggers are from a place of trauma when they’re attached to hyper-arousal, numbing, increased startle response, flashbacks, avoidance, sleep problems, anxiety, memory and attention problems, developmental delays, and attachment issues 
13. 🚩  Fake focus on labeling the relationship; “ownership”: Caring more that someone is a trophy partner, or labeled as a girlfriend/boyfriend/partner instead of focusing on the relationship itself doesn’t honor either partner. Some folks want to possess or own someone and that’s why they can also rush being exclusive or say they’ve “given up” their freedom for the other person.
14. 🚩 Lacking Boundaries or Respect for Others’ Boundaries: Boundaries save lives and bandwidth. If people don’t have them, they seem to be jarred when someone doesn’t answer the phone at certain times or avoids certain topics, or won’t tolerate certain behavior. Everyone should have standards and fair expectations to learn from when it comes to having access to them in a certain way and what access they have to others. They definitely should know the meaning of the word “boundary”. Boundaries protect the integrity of a relationship, and not wanting them means that someone wants control instead of a partnership.
15. 🚩 Not knowing their support needs and not affirming those of others: When people don’t know what they need, they expect a partner to be a mind reader or own their care. Someone should be able to fulfill their own needs and not lean on someone else for them. Each partner should also express themselves from a place of understanding and not expect people to overextend themselves. Limitations with boundaries can show one person is not at their emotional maturity level and can’t understand or communicate as an emotionally intelligent person. If someone seeks justifiable reassurance, affection, time, connection, etc. from their partner, that should be an expectation stated early and understood as a means of maintaining the integrity of the relationship.
16. 🚩 The inability to cater to communication styles: Speaking at people or in a very authoritative way means someone could be narcissistic and act as a “know-it-all’; they could possibly also lack the ability to bend for others in an empathetic way. Not setting clear expectations or not using more questions can cause harmful assumptions and a lack of understanding.
17. 🚩 Unable to enjoy Parallel Play & Quiet time: Everyone should have a balance of embracing silence or quiet times or find ways to get energy out to balance stillness with activity and movement in a day. It’s also it’s important for there not to be just too much silence and no dialogue or connection. It’s a balance.
18. 🚩 Lack of effort: Not taking the time to plan and make efforts to be with causes one person to possibly experience guilt or exhaustion from not doing that if planning and being considerate of time is their thing. Making time for one another, not asking the other partner to overextend themselves, planning fun things for one another, and both taking time to plan vacations (surprises are never a bad thing) should be shared components of a relationship to equally contribute to living life on purpose together.
19. 🚩 Cryptic & sneaky hoes: If someone doesn’t want to be open about location or who is cryptic about what they’re doing means there’s something to hide, period. Manipulation and games, once again. Someone is purposely hiding information through cryptic games and withholding information isn’t being honest or open a.k.a.  there’s suspicious shit going on.
20. 🚩 Needing to be the center of attention: Constant grandiose can be a coverup for larger issues and shows a need for reassurance and attention to fill some other void (narcissistic behavior).
21. 🚩 Unable to vary with communication styles: People need to learn each other and this includes learning how to best communicate whether that’s through language differences, text versus spoken communications, or using different words when asked for clarification – flexibility is key.
22. 🚩 Grudge-holders: People should want to resolve issues in an adult way through open communication and being timely and respectful of each other’s time. If partners need time to process or think before having a conversation, that’s okay. Processing can help with clarity and consideration. At some point, each partner has to be able to let things go – you can’t hold things over people’s heads forever or pull them out in a future talk if it’s something that can be worked through.
23. 🚩 Sketchy Relationship history – People who have a shady history where they have unhealthy relationships with an ex, or they have no closure or healing from an ex, or who are unable to be open and vulnerable unless they’re in the winning place or “better” as a means of manipulation can show they have not worked on themselves to break toxic relationship patterns. Also, if someone doesn’t have much experience with reflecting on their issues with their past relationships so much so that they blame their exes for all of the breakups or relationships not working out this translates into a lack of the self-awareness to take those lessons with them into another relationship.
24. 🚩 Opportunists – even if they don’t think of it that way, people who are looking out for themselves through bartering favors, leaning on someone too much for emotional support, only wanting a sexual connection, who want a trophy partner, who want to mooch off of someone’s finances – this can mean it’s not a high-quality relationship but rather an arrangement that benefits only one person.
25. 🚩 Gaslighting – People who try to convince someone how they feel is invalid, doesn’t matter, or isn’t important are trying to take someone’s power away from them and make them feel less than for their feelings. 
26. 🚩 Personalization of everything – People who take everything personally and can’t take a moment to stop and realize communication is not always geared toward them create unnecessary conflict & waste precious energy. [The Four Agreements are underestimated – when we depersonalize a situation, we make more space for compassion and care.]
27. 🚩 Emotionally immature or insecure – When people can’t get into what they feel, tap into their emotions, articulate them, and not react constantly because of them, it means they are not self-aware or understand how to not make others responsible for their feelings and navigate those on their own before communicating with others (this can be very toxic, evolve into conflict, create strife unnecessarily). People who have no idea how they feel or what they need and can’t articulate that depend on a partner to do that for them. 
28. 🚩 Validation-seekers – People who want you to pour love and compliments into them without proper timing, boundaries, or self-affirmations first – this is covert or overt narcissistic behavior showing unhealthy attachment or needs that they should have met themselves outside of the relationship. It’s okay to want reassurance sometimes, but constantly searching for it above a healthy limit can be draining.
29. 🚩Double-standard bitches – Fools who want to get all up in your koolaid and then hide their shit, those who want to have you talk a bunch and then not share shit, those who respect the boundaries of and support while they don’t reciprocate. No thanks.
30. 🚩Potential ain’t a reality right now – Dating or seeing someone for their “potential” is so hard when you get a glimpse of who someone is upfront – particularly on dating apps and social media or text and phone versus real-life time, different environments. People show what they want to show versus let time tell the truth of who they are right now, in the current moment. It takes time and repeat interactions to see someone’s true colors and true aspirations [like when they say they’re in school, or ‘going to’ work on a certain project or career aspiration or where they see themselves in a familial setting] – especially those who are not self-aware and are show-boating to gain attention and validation.
31. 🚩Child-like tendencies & behavior:  Whether it’s sleeping with too many animals in the bed, constantly getting drunk without boundaries or with abandonment, not doing things on their own, constantly needing support from family financially or emotionally, or displaying behavior that stems from being an entitled little brat one day – no matter the age – child-like behavior just means someone wants to be taken care of in a relationship like a kid and not like a partner. Grow the fuck up, ya’ll.
32. 🚩Having a Fixed versus a Growth mindset: Lacking a vision of what their future could be or goals: Iron sharpens iron. All of my platonic and any relationship should be about balancing life and work and joy, but also leveling up. Not just with regard to skills, education, money, or career, but also with our overall growth. A growth mindset is key. 
33. 🚩Narcissistic abuser behavior – Many of these encompass this, but when someone is [particularly covert] narcissistic and has selfish gain with their behavior in relationships, beware. A focus on self is the notable thing with this generalized red flag. 
34. 🚩Pursuing and chasing – The push/pull. The testing to see if someone likes you and hints to make you come after them. The ghosting when they’re upset only to come back heavy when you respond. Be easy. This is rooted in abandonment issues and shows that someone is codependent (as with many traits above) and needs to address that behavior so that conversation and effort are more reciprocal versus grounded in neediness. Relationships should be more of a pendulum swing and dance not a game. 
35. 🚩 Always assuming negative intent – Remembering that two people want to maintain the integrity of the relationship and assume the best in each other helps a partnership not go or get back to a place of anxious or avoidant attachment because each person believes in the other and wants to hold space for positive and secure attachment.
36. 🚩 Showing common interest only in the beginning – Like a moth to a flame, interesting people attract everyone. However, someone who is genuinely interested in someone will establish commonalities in an ongoing way. Showing interest up front for personal gain is a narcissistic trait that eventually leads to emotional discord when the benefits don’t fit the person’s interests. Someone should, over time, show they are interested in someone else’s interests – not to overlap all interests, but to show genuine care and connection instead of leveraging a system where the person is just looking for what benefits them selfishly to chase after someone else.
37.  🚩 No work/life/relationship balance – Partners should both have busy times and have their own circles of friends, interests, and hobbies – and be busy enough that they’re not on each other’s ass all day and are also able to take care of ourselves first and foremost. Being busy is only bad when it’s off balance from partner responsibilities which is why I need one who is independent and intentional and has a balance 
38. 🚩Rushing – [into commitment/plans/life-building] Speed doesn’t matter. Some people want to rush because they want to nab you. There’s no rush to get to any endpoint. Motivation and interest are both fleeting, but discipline and consistency are the proof in the pudding something is sticking. Patience and being there consistently are key.
39. 🚩Inconsistent agreement & expectations as a partner – It’s important to intend on making a sort of partner agreement (when it’s time to initiate the next step in a relationship) as misalignment of timing and desires means it’s no matchy-matchy.
40. 🚩 Unrealistic expectations for roles of people in their lives – When someone wants their partner to be their everything, or they have expectations of friends or family that go above and beyond proper boundaries it can signal misalignment with “tiers” of access and healthy boundaries. No one should have to give more than they have the bandwidth for, have to bend for someone else, or have a role that doesn’t match a “partner role”.

Relationships are hard. They’re full of work put in by multiple parties involved (not just the protagonist and the antagonist), and we tend to learn lessons about what to take into the next relationship of the same dynamic by the mistakes we’ve made. Red Flags [alongside our Values] can help us to determine if a relationship – platonic or romantic – is advantageous for our next season of life OR it can help us to determine the level of intimacy we have with someone at any given moment in time.

What are any Red Flags I’m missing from this list that you’d add? What are your thoughts?